Flighty Aphrodite
or
Goddesses Behaving Badly
From Homer’s Iliad, Book 14:
But when she had clothed herself in all this finery, Hera left her room and beckoned Aphrodite away from the other gods, saying, “I wonder if I can persuade you in what I say, dear child? Or are you still angered in your heart because I support the Greeks and you the Trojans”
Aphrodite, daughter of Zeus answered, “Revered Hera, daughter of mighty Kronos, say what you are thinking. I would like to do it, if it is possible for me.”
I knew something was up from the moment Hera shimmered towards me.
I had been lazing around in a heap of silken cushions, wondering whether to go and bathe again, while next to me Athena was polishing something or other. I quite like Athena. She’s very good at polishing all her weapons and armour, and sometimes she tells me what difficult words mean. I think she feels sorry for me because she is Zeus’ daughter and I was born from the foam of the sea. I feel sorry for her because she needs to wax her upper lip more.
Anyway, Hera was coming towards me and there was something going on. For one thing she’d just had a bath. Not that I’m saying that the Queen of the Gods does not practise personal hygiene you understand, but honestly, what does she have to bathe for? Everyone knows she and Zeus aren’t exactly close, and while he goes around impregnating anyone he can, he isn’t keen on her doing the same, which is very Male God of course. Athena says we should start a campaign about double standards – but I was talking about Hera and bathing, wasn’t I? So yes, she had bathed and honestly I could smell her from where I reclined in my cushions. She once been given a scent that was ambrosia mixed in olive oil, and, O my dears, I would love to know who told her that was a perfume! I mean, I am a bit of an expert in these matters, being Goddess of Love and Beauty, and in my opinion you just don’t make perfume out of food. Anyway, she had plastered it on and now it swam before her, like one of my dolphins going before my sea shell as I delicately skim the waves. Except my dolphins are lovely and this was horrible. Oooh, I just did a simile! Me! Suck on that, Homer!
Where was I? Oh yes, Hera was all dolled up, had even done her hair and was making for me in a very determined manner. I was a bit scared but I hadn’t done anything wrong except of course I supported the Trojans in the war thingie that was going on below us, and she liked the Greeks for some reason. Oh, actually, I do know the reason, it was because Paris didn’t choose her to be the Official Most Beautiful Goddess. Guess who he did choose? Go on, guess! ME! In my head I do a little pirouette every time I think of it. But I was extremely nice and didn’t say anything as she came up to me, just smiled my number 14 smile (Almost Ravishing).
“Good, I need a favour,” she began. Don’t you think that was rude? I mean, I know that many of the gods don’t think I really matter, but a “Hello” would have been nice. And anyway, I do matter. Just look at the whole of this war thing at Troy – it’s all down to me!
“I like your earrings,” I said. “Are they new?”
She was distracted and put up one hand to feel the earring, reminding herself of which ones they were. Her face lightened.
“Do you like them? I’ve don’t wear them very often. Hephaestus made them for me, aeons ago. Such a dear boy. Of course you know that, being married to him. Well, somewhat married to him.”
Barbed or what? I was going to argue but decided I couldn’t be bothered. I was curious.
“What favour could I possibly do for you, O revered and divine queen?” She looked at me suspiciously but I gave her smile 23 (Sweet Innocence).
“First tell me how you feel about us,” she said and to my amazement she looked a little embarrassed. Now I was definitely curious!
“Us?” I gave my flowing locks a teeny shake and said, “What can you mean, O daughter of Kronos?”
“Well, it’s no secret that we haven’t exactly been friends since that business with Prince Paris and the – you know – Most Beautiful Goddess thing. And after all I support the Greeks,” and she nodded down to the windy plain where, as far as I could tell, they were all engaged in churning up as much dust as possible. I thought of all the pores that were going to be clogged and shuddered.
Hera added, “And you of course support Troy.”
“Only because my darling son Aeneas is fighting for them,” I pointed out. Honestly why does everyone assume I am on the Trojans’ side just because their prince Paris said I was the Most Beautiful Goddess? It makes me sound so shallow. “I am of course not interfering at all, since Zeus the Lord of Gods and Men has so decreed it.”
“Well,” said Hera, ignoring this, “I shall tell you why I need the favour.”
“Oh good,” I said.
“I am going to visit our aunt Tethys and uncle Oceanus,” said Hera very quickly, so I had to really concentrate to follow her. “They have been having all sorts of problems recently and just not communicating, and, as Goddess of marriage, I really think I should do something about that, persuade them to just listen to each other. So I really need your belt.”
Athena stopped her polishing.
“My belt?” I almost forgot to pout prettily. What was she talking about?
“Your belt,” said Hera. “You know – the one that makes everyone follow you around and do what you say.”
“Oh that belt!” I smiled smile 17 (Divine Understanding). “It’s a really great belt, that belt.”
“Yes,” said Hera. She really shouldn’t grit her teeth like that, it makes her lower jaw all sticky-outy.
“So you think if you go and talk to them while wearing my belt, they’ll get back together? That is so sweet!”
She looked pleased and nodded at the belt around my waist. “So can I have it?”
“Of course!” I rose gracefully from my cushions and undid the belt. “I hope you get them talking!”
“Oh don’t worry, I’ll get what I need,” she said, which I thought was a strange way of putting it.
“All you need do is hide it in the folds of your quite lovely dress,” I said, “and nobody will be able to resist you! Make sure you don’t bump into anyone but Zeus while you have it on you!”
And I laughed because as everyone knows I love laughter, so I’ve practiced it quite a lot and I do it rather well. When I finished laughing I couldn’t help but notice that Hera had a really strange look on her face, as if she was about to sneeze, except gods don’t sneeze.
“Oh who knows,” Hera said, “maybe I’ll bump into someone on the way back and have some fun.” She gave me smile number 11 (Quietly Mysterious) and left.
“Do you know,” I said to Athena, “I don’t think she’s told me the truth.”
“Well, duh,” said Athena, and started polishing again.
So I followed Hera. It was quite easy because she did not look around once. That’s very Hera, according to Athena, to be utterly goal-oriented. She didn’t go anywhere near Oceanus and Tethys – big surprise! – but instead hopped over to Mount Athos, then east across the sea. I followed very cautiously because I had a notion where we were going and it was going to get us both into trouble if I wasn’t careful.
Overlooking Troy was Mount Ida, and only one person sat on Ida overseeing the affairs of men, in particular the Trojan War – my father, Zeus, Lord of the Thunderbolt, Wide-seeing Cloud-gatherer, and all that sort of thing. Hera landed near him, while I hastily shimmied up a nearby pine tree, wrapping myself in a handy flock of my doves. She walked towards him with a distinct wiggle of her hips, and I realised what she was up to – eeeuuuuw! Next thing I knew, Zeus had drawn a golden cloud over the two of them, and there was some very suspicious rumbling.
I knew exactly what was going on now, the treacherous ox-eyed cow! But, if she was up here in the arms of Zeus, how was she going to interfere in the fighting below? In an indecently short time, the golden cloud began to resonate with snores, so I took a chance and peered down onto the plain of Troy. There was Poseidon, Lord of the Sea, and big supporter of the Greeks. So he was in on this too!
By the time I had flown down to the plain and hidden behind a ship, Poseidon had stirred up the Greeks and my poor Trojans were suffering. You could see their faces as the battle-lines wavered and I longed to help them. I bit my lower lip as daintily as only I can and wondered what to do.
The thing was, not only was divine interference forbidden by Zeus, earlier in the war I had got a teensy little bit involved and actually been wounded. By a horrible stinky human, would you believe! Well, we won’t go into it, but Zeus had made it clear that I was to keep out of it from now on. I looked at the dreadful scene on the plain of Troy and decided that I had one option.
I sped back up to Mount Ida and whistled up a couple of my sparrows. Leaving them with their instructions – which I had to repeat several times, because sparrows are really quite dim – I made my way back to Olympus and settled myself into my cushions.
“Well?” said Athena.
“Are you still polishing?” I asked.
She opened her mouth to say something cutting but we were distracted by an enormous peal of thunder coming from the direction of Mount Ida.
Well, everyone knows what happened. Wakened by my sparrows relieving themselves on his divine forehead, Zeus immediately realised that he had been duped and he and Hera had their own ding-dong battle. Poseidon was sent packing and the Trojans rallied marvellously. Hooray!
And when we next gathered for nectar and ambrosia, I made a point of asking Hera for my belt. She gave a sidelong glance to see if Zeus had heard – he had, I’d made sure he was near enough to hear – and handed it over, complete with grass stains I couldn’t help but notice. I do hate it when people borrow off you, then can’t be bothered to return things in their proper state.
“How are Oceanus and Tethys?” I asked with smile number 6 (Loving Concern). “I do think it lovely of you to bring about a rapprochement.” Yes, I did use the word “rapprochement” and I knew how to pronounce it, I’d asked Athena especially.
Hera muttered something so ungracious I shan’t bother to repeat it, but as I turned away, Zeus beckoned me.
He was in a good mood, all twinkly and avuncular, and said to me, “And how is your wrist, Lady of Cyprus? For I remember that you were wounded in battle not too long ago.”
“It’s all fine now, thank you,” I said cautiously.
“And have you kept away from battle since, as I told you?”
“Oh yes,” I assured him, and gave him smile number 5 (Sheer Brilliance).
He patted my hand. Gods do this to me a lot, I’ve noticed.
“And do you remember what else I told you?” he enquired jovially.
I thought, then said, “To concentrate my attention on my job as custodian of the joys of the marriage bed?”
He nodded, and a little whisper of thunder floated through the ether. I carefully buckled my belt around my waist, looked him in the eyes and said, “I have remembered that indeed, Lord of the Sky.”
“Well done,” he said. “I’m sure men and Gods all enjoy marital harmony thanks to your care. Don’t you agree, O Hera, my sister and wife?”
And as I walked away, making sure that roses sprang up where I had walked, I could hear Athena whisper, “Smile number 13, Obnoxious Triumph.”
